Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
