I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
