Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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