why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
