Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
