my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
