I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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