Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.