Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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