I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
