bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?