I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
