I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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