i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
