theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
