if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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