I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
