For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
