I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
why do cheetos always look like penises
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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