I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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