Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
