I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i barfeds in our rink
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
