just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
