I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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