I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
