I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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