My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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