Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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