Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
