my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
