I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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