why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
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I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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