Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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