I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
