The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
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THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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