This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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