apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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