how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
