wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
