i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
