Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
