I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
