i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
