: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
