she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
