dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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