She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
