Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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