Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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