I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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