Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
