So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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