our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
