I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
