If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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