I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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