I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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