I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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